[24] The birds and the bees and YOU!

Here at Suck on That I treat my readers like I would my children. That’s right you are all my children (not the soap opera All My Children because it sucks) and as my children I realize that I have never given you “the talk”! So please son(s) and/or daughter(s) take a seat because I want to have a serious conversation about the birds and the bees.

Once upon a time there where a bunch of birds and a bunch of bees, at first the bees thought that birds were icky. However as they grew older the bees became more and more attracted to the birds and soon all they could think about were birds. The birds liked the bees too, but they knew that bees could be such jerks. For quite some time the bees had a hard time talking to birds, until one bee went over and stung one of the birds (one with really big wings). The bee then tried to pull his stinger out. He went, up and down, up and down, back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. The bird acted like she was in pain (but she really wasn’t) and she yelled “Your stinger is so big!” (but she really didn’t think it was all that big). Then, after only about two or three minutes, his stinger came out and nine months later there was a baby!

Hopfully that answered all of your questions and cleared up anything you needed explained. Oh, and by the way sometimes the bee liked to sting his own hand and there’s nothing wrong with that. So suck on that kids!

[23] History List-ory

History is stupid! The people in history are even more stupid! They make all theses nonsensical choices and decisions! When anyone could make a smart, logical choice by looking in your average Socials 9 textbook! Man, they’re dumb! So here are some words of wisdom for the key figures in history! LIST TIME!

1. Marie Antoinette – The people that are storming your palace aren’t really “cake people”!

2. Vincent Van Gogh – You can’t really re-gift an ear!

3. Louis XIV – You’re gonna flip things up for your grandson!

4. Louis XVI – You’re screwed!

5. Napoleon – Russians are pyromaniacs!

6. Abraham Lincoln - Ford's Theatre is going to put on a really bad production of Our American Cousin. Skip it!

7. Christopher Columbus – There is a continent called North America in your way you’re gonna want to take a sharp turn north!

8. Albert Einstein – Get a life!!!

9. Eliot Spitzer – “I hate everything illegal” might not be the best campaign slogan!

There! I think history will think twice before messing with me. For the regular readers of my blog, I apologize for this highbrow post. And as for historians (those Daniel Day-Losers!) you all can suck on that!

[4] I can say whatever the F*** I want

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The above is an expression of my freedom of speech. I sure love that thing! For those of you how don’t know “freedom of speech” is something discovered by a caveman named Blog. He wrote some things one a cave wall that roughly translated to “You can say what ever you want to!” So no censoring! Yet, today in a world of political correctness you can’t say anything without someone telling you “You are such a pig!” or “Stop using such bad language in front of my kids” or “I’m not Italian!” or “I did NOT insult you... or you blog for that matter!” or “You can’t post two entries in on day!” Well it seems these people (you know who) you are have forgotten freedom of speech and they will get an extra brain drop-kicking. And now Nexopia is telling me you can’t reveal peoples last names on the site! Oh can’t I?

Ben’s last name is Stiller!

Carmen’s last name is Electra!

John’s last name is Rambo!

And my last name is The Destroyer!
So suck on that!

[22] Rerun Away!

I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! I have a beef! Doesn’t it start to lose something after a while? The point I’m trying to make is that reruns are annoying. They are like visual leftovers! You start watching and you’re all like “Oh my god! Jackie and Kelso are getting back together!” and then you go “Oh, wait I’ve already seen this episode!” Sometimes I get really excited and think that Seinfeld is making new episodes, but no those are just reruns! What if they did that with the news? Everyone would think that Hurricane Katrina was happening for a second time or that your stock in Enron has miraculously gone up! I feel that if you are not going to play a new episode don’t play anything at all! As far as I’m concerned reruns should go to syndication hell! So, suck on that over and over again!

[21] The guy who looked like a duck

With everything that’s wrong these days (and if you haven’t realized after 20 posts that something is wrong with the world then something is wrong with you!) I felt that it would be a good thing to share with you something I wrote as small child. It’s a great metaphor for what’s going on in the world today (see if you can figure it out). So without further ado here it is my epic masterpiece, my literary opus, the short story: The Guy Who Looked Like a Duck!

There once was a guy who looked like a duck.

He asked a clown why he looked like a duck.

But the clown just laughed at him!

Everyone thought he was funny!

They called him a freak!

It turned out he was really a duck.

The End!

Now if you could not figure out the metaphor I am really sad with the state of the world today. Please, if you did understand this, take my message to heart and maybe the world will go back to the way it was before the French Revolution! Oh, and by the why, thank you Jim for letting me tell your life story! Suck on that!

[20] I'll wet your mom!

I think figures of speech are stupid. They don’t make any sense! Why can’t people just say what they mean? Zut alors! Figures of speech are sure Autobots that I would like to see roll out of the English language! The reason I say this to you very busy people is because it’s your job to listen to me. Anyway, I was at Boston Pizza and on the cover of the menu it said “Wet Your Appetite!” It got me to thinking; an appetite is not a tangible object, it can not become wet. An appetite is more of a feeling or an idea. See, I can wet my mouth, I can wet my tongue, I can wet my hard palate, I can even wet my stomach, but I can’t wet my appetite, it’s a inanimate object! I know something is wet when I touch it! Figures of speech, go figure. In conclusion, never talk to strangers, kids, unless those strangers have candy, because who doesn’t love candy? Suck on that!

[19] Suck on what? Part two

Where is that clapping coming from? Stop clapping! Stop it! That’s making me angry! Wait… that’s making me angry!!! YES! Clapping makes me mad! It makes me mad when some shows have episodes with two parts! It makes me mad that I can never tell if it is a baby koala on a mama koala’s back on my shampoo bottle or a midget koala having sex with a regular koala. It makes me mad that orange is spelled the same in French and English! It makes me mad that I always miss the McRib whenever McDonalds brings it back! It makes me mad that Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise are the same person dressed as two hot movie stars! It makes me mad that seven ate nine when nine is twice the size of seven! It makes me mad how these jokes are just hit and miss! WOO! I am mad! I am mad as heck! I’m back baby! And now my friends, I can say with confidence: SUCK ON THAT!!!